I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
