Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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