a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
there is glitter all over my balls
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