at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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