Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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