tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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