You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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