Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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