so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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