at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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