his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
