Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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