i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
As shirtless as possible
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
