i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
