she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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