I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
