I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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