I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
