He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
