I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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