dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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