6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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