Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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