I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
