Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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