I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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