opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
