so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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