Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
