What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
