i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
