My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
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I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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