From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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