I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
