I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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