I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You pole danced in your parka.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
