I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
