he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We're too hungover to prance.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
