she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
