In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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