if i can run in heels then i can drive
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
