Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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