He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
