I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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