i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
