I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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