just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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