No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
