The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
