so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
