the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
