Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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