you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
