I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
we should paint friendship bongs
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